so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
