so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
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You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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