The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
