I puked a lego.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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