I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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