He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Randomize
