I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
