herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
