I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
