You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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