Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
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I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
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This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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