So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
