Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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