You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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