I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
