Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
