I CAN MOONWALK!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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