I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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