I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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