saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
