Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Randomize
