12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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