So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
