Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
