People with herpes should wear stickers.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
