you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
