Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
