everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think my moral compass just broke
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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