You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
