I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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