kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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