I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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