Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
