My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
