I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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