How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Someone shit on the floor
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
