weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.