Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
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And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.