hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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