I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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