Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
