That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
