I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
