You're so nebulous sometimes
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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