Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
