made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
