Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
