Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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