Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
