I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
