I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
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This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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