she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
