life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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