That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
